Rhanch Macalalad

Happy Birthday Kuya Philip!

In the past week or so since I got Grace's invitation to contribute in this project, I've been thinking of what to tell you. Hindi ko alam kung ano, paano. Kilala mo naman kaming mga anak mo sa SIKAP, pumoproseso ng matagal o ng malaliman sa kahit na simpleng tanong na "Kamusta?" Kasalanan mo ito. Hahaha. Ikaw ang may kasalanan kung bakit hanggang ngayon ganito kami kahit saan dalhin. May bigat, lalim at may pagka-sagrado ang kamustahan sa personal na usapan. And I am sure na hindi lang "Happy Birthday!" ang gusto mong marinig. Alam kong ang sulat na ito ay dapat tumalima sa tanong na 'yon. 

So Quick Update: In the past decade, I've been a communications specialist & youth development specialist in my projects with NGOs and private sector. Ako po ngayon ay nagli-lead ng isang group of private citizens who want to volunteer & now set-up an NGO to help educate the public on children's issues. We are about to launch our campaign in partnership with UNICEF and other groups from government & private sector sometime end of this year. Our current focus is addressing child abuse in the Philippines.  I am also currently studying Children's Rights in UP Open University under a UNICEF scholarship for the next 4 semesters. I am also involved in some other volunteer projects. This year, I went back to doing workshops & training for youth. I am back to helping student leaders in public high schools & even in organizing community-based youth in Pampanga. I also train groups (adults & youth alike) on facilitation skills so they can devise their own group-think activities. With God's grace I will also soon be part of a pioneer digital publishing company in the Philippines.

Alam kong hindi mabibigyan ng justice ang kahit na anong buod ang ilagay ko dito ngayon sa aking attempts at telling you about the past decade since we last talked one on one. Ang pag "let go" mo sa akin noon ng may pagmamahal at pagtatangi kasama ng isang treasure island of memories of your practical expressions of love and the lessons you taught us ang siyang binabalikan ko sa mga oras ng pagkalito, pagtatanong, pagkabigo o pagkatuto. Visual akong tao. Kapag kailangan ko ng physical representation ng nararamdaman kong Presence ng Diyos sa aking pag-explore ng kalayaan: mukha mo, tindig mo, boses mo at yakap mo ang unang tinatakbuhan ng visual imagination ko. Between imagining you and my real dad, summoning your image is based on memories of real love shared. With my real dad, it's all fantasies. 

I never stopped thinking of you as my father. I celebrate Father's day every year celebrating you & the lingering influence you have in my life. I wrote about you every now & then over the past years. So in closing, I am sharing this blog post I wrote in 2008. I will continue to pray for your well-being. Happy Birthday, Kuya! Much love from me!

Rhanch

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Of Fathers and Substitute Dads

I haven’t celebrated Father’s Day with my own Dad. I would have wanted to if he chose to be present in our lives. His disappointing choices are history now though. I’ve made my peace with that part of him long before he passed away.

I picked up some concepts of fatherhood as I was growing up. In his place, I had my grandfather and several uncles. I wasn’t necessarily close to them but at one point or another, they cared for me and my brothers like we were their own. But I guess nobody can replace the feeling a father’s personal attention can give you. What I only have with me are observations of how my uncles were with their kids and how my cousins saw them or interacted with them.

I know for a fact that my uncles, the siblings of my mom, are great fathers. I know that they have a close relationship with their kids and that aside from being providers, they are hands-on with household chores --- that’s cooking, washing laundry and marketing. From them I learned that a father’s manhood cannot be questioned even if he overstretched his capabilities to those skills traditionally associated with women. His love for his family and his own little kingdom makes him do whatever is necessary to care for them. He is not just the king, but the head servant as well.

Love Beyond Family Borders

Aside from family, I’ve got some male teachers and mentors who I look up to. One person who came close to being called my father is my mentor Kuya Philip Flores. Even if I haven’t seen him for years now, he is my Morrie of Tuesdays with Morrie. I met him in the youth organization that nurtured me and developed me during my college days. I was only one of his “kids,” some of my closest friends are my siblings “in him.” We had more than Tuesdays with Kuya Philip or Papang as we call him. For many years he met up with us, talked to us individually and shared His wisdom to us, his children. I even found out later on that he is my secret benefactor who supported me with my school needs and who bought me my first eyeglasses when I started to need it.

Kuya Philip knows me or at least sees me from a parent's eye; he has been patient with my stubbornness; took time to be there for me when I needed a parent to talk to; forgiven me when I messed up and accepted me even if I chose to stray too far. I observed him with his own family because he opened his home to us and heard many anecdotes of his humble learning as a father. From Papang, I learned that fatherhood is a spiritual calling and not just a by-product of insemination. His walk with his Father is the one that guides him each day. When I hear the word godly, I remember his face. I miss both him and Him.

To Be or Not to Be

One of the biblical verses that remind me of God’s role as my father and which Papang passed on to me is Isaiah 46:4 which says: “I will be your God throughout your lifetime --- until your hair is white with age. I made you, and I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you.” This is my life’s verse. If one would take a close look at my journey, one would find that there are many instances that I needed saving --- from myself and from other forces. His invisible arms caught me more than once.

Tonight, I greeted my youngest brother “Happy Father’s Day!” It’s a first for me and for all of us. I don’t think he has fully realized either that he is a dad already. I am excited to welcome my first pamangkin in December. My brother was 2 or 3 when my father left us. So they are strangers to each other. I don’t know what his concept of fatherhood is. But I think he would be a better one than his old man. I surely hope so.

One thing that I realize about my own journey is that not all human beings are designed or are fit to be parents. I think it could be learned though. But mostly I think it’s like a talent in singing or drawing. They just have it in them. My father is a very talented man. He acts, teaches, draws, etc. Obviously, parenting isn’t one of those talents.

As for me, I don’t think I’ll sire my own kid. Let it be known though that I still entertain the idea of adopting a child when I reach 35. But for now, I am ready to be a surrogate father to my upcoming nephews and nieces. I’ll be a spoiler. I’ll be a playmate. I’ll be a friend. And I’ll be a support to my brothers as they fulfill their roles as fathers. After all, a kid would need as much fatherly love as they could get.

To this day, classic tear jerkers for me are scenes and themes on father and son relationship. That is my soft spot. Maybe because I still regret that my Pa opted to withhold from me my right to a good father. Maybe because I still keep on imagining the things I would have enjoyed if he was my teacher, my life coach, my dad. Maybe I am still jealous of kids who enjoy the love of their Tatay. Or maybe I still hope to hear the words “I love you son. I’m proud of you.” (Sobbing!)

But then again, there is hope for me and my brothers. Soon enough the house will be filled with kids --- a new generation of sons and daughters. And when that time comes, Father’s Day will have a new meaning and we will have a good reason to celebrate it --- personally and as a family.